


Cover Me Like Dust

by lakesandquarries



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers, endgame spoilers, sazed sucks, taako has trauma (tm)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 11:46:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12012051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakesandquarries/pseuds/lakesandquarries
Summary: The battle is won, the world is saved, everything is perfect.But trauma never really goes away, and neither does Sazed.





	Cover Me Like Dust

Backstage before a show, Sazed and Taako are kissing.

“We’re gonna be late,” Taako mumbles into Sazed’s mouth, though he doesn’t really care. He’s  _ Taako _ , from  _ TV _ \- he gets to make people wait.

“It’ll be worth it,” Sazed says, pulling back just a bit. Taako’s leaned against a wall, Sazed’s hand on his wrist and his other hand on the wall next to Taako, leaned over protectively and a little possessively. “You’re beautiful,” Sazed whispers, kissing Taako again and again, soft and warm and wonderful, until Taako’s alarm goes off and they pull away like someone just caught them. 

“Five minutes till showtime,” Taako says, turning it off.

“You nervous?” Sazed asks, leaning back so Taako can slip out from under him. 

“Nah,” Taako lies. Sazed raises an eyebrow but says nothing. He doesn’t have to. Taako knows what that expression means. It means  _ stop lying to me _ and  _ did you really think I wouldn’t pick up on it? _ and every time he sees it, he wants to lie more. He raises his eyebrow at Sazed, an almost challenge.

“If you insist,” Sazed says, stretching. “Do you need any help today?”

“It’s cool,” Taako says. Sazed’s been… less than helpful in the kitchen, lately. Overly critical, harsh, convinced he has the solution to every situation. Like he knows so much more than Taako. And sure, maybe he does. He’s worked with other chefs before; he knows a lot about showbiz. But Sizzle It Up is  _ Taako’s _ . Even if Sazed knows more than him - Taako knows  _ enough _ .

It’s just a hiccup, though. He’ll talk with Sazed about how he’s feeling, and things will go back to normal, with Sazed offering help and affection and praise and not… ( ~~insulting, patronizing, mocking~~ )  _ teasing _ him over little things, offering unwanted advice, ignoring him when he's freaking out. It’ll be fine, like they always are, because he and Sazed are a  _ team _ .

And in moments like these, it feels fine. Sazed is smiling and holding him, and they're kissing again, and any worries Taako has are shoved away because how can something that makes him feel so good be bad?

It's worth it. Every time Sazed’s made him cry, every fight they've had - it's worth it, to feel this good. It’s worth it, for Sazed’s mouth on his, their legs tangled together and Sazed’s hands in his hair. 

They’ll work things out. They’ll live happily ever in a caravan and kiss between shows and fuck in shitty inns and go on romantic dates in every town they stop at, and everything will be  _ perfect. _

He doesn't detach from Sazed until the last possible second, and when he goes out on stage he's already breathless. 

\---

He wakes up crying. 

\---

It's strange, having trauma Lup doesn't understand. Stranger still not understanding hers. Taako finds her wrapped in blankets, hand on the window, staring vacantly at the world, disconnected and blurry. He burrows under the blankets with her and holds her hand until she remembers what feeling is like, but he’ll never understand it, never understand the years of loneliness trapped in the umbrella, with no one to remember her. Without  _ him. _

She finds him leaning against the kitchen counter, shaking, staring at a clove of garlic, and she’ll lead him out of the kitchen and remind him it wasn’t his fault, but she doesn’t understand. 

She saw what happened. They don't talk about it, but - the chalice showed her too. He can feel it sometimes, the weight of her knowledge. No one else knows the full story. Magnus and Merle know bits and pieces, Angus and Kravitz know most of it, but he’s never told them the full story, and he doubts he ever will. 

And Lup, his beautiful wonderful sister, his other half - she knows, and yet she doesn’t understand. How could she? In her eyes, Sazed is a monster, a demon, someone who’s only purpose was to hurt Taako. 

But Taako knows better. Or, maybe he’s just an idiot and Lup’s got the right idea of it. But things were  _ good _ once.

Once upon a time, Taako loved Sazed. Once upon a time, Sazed made him feel like he was on top of the world, like he was something beautiful and perfect. And Sazed -  _ (“Great job out there! You barely stuttered that time!” “It's okay, everyone fucks up - even I used to.” “You're just not good at that, I guess, we’ll figure something else out”)  _ \- Sazed never cared. Or, worse, maybe he did care and something made him stop. 

To Sazed, Taako was a means to end, a stepping stone, and Sazed was a steady stream of water drip, drip, dripping into the stone of Taako's self confidence, wearing it away so slowly he didn't realize until it was gone. And when Sazed couldn’t use him anymore, he threw him away.

It’s one of those days, again. One where Taako stands in the kitchen and stares at the stove and does his best not to break down. 

“Taako,” Lup says, taking his hand, gently pulling away the garlic. “Sweetheart, c’mon.”

Taako makes a sound in the back of his throat, staring at his sister’s face, smooth skin and long lashes and delicate freckles, and he loves with his entire being but why did it have to be  _ him ?  _

Why did  _ he _ have to be the one left alone? The one who had to travel without her, the one with new scars and new fears and new nightmares? The one that lost  _ everything? _ Even now he has his glamour up, masking what he lost in Wonderland. 

They're not identical anymore. They were two sides of the same coin, and now - Taako is scuffed and worn and damaged, and Lup is perfect as ever, unchanged and unblemished, and some days he can’t bear to look at her face. He’d prefer to have been in the umbrella, he thinks. Lup could have handled it on her own, but him? He’s half a person, incapable of functioning on his own without the proper other half. He latched on to whatever,  _ whoever _ he could find, regardless of how awful they were, because what else was he supposed to do? Be  _ alone? _

(It wasn’t his fault, he knows that, but if he’d paid more attention, understood what he was looking for, if he just  _ remembered her _ , maybe….. _ maybe… _ )

(He doesn't want to hate Lucretia, and yet - sometimes he wonders about how he met Sazed. If it was her idea. If she had  _ any fucking idea _ what she was doing to him. But blaming her, he finds, doesn't make it any easier for him.)

He never noticed when things changed, when praise turned to criticism. Testing recipe after recipe, that  _ thoughtful _ look Sazed got when he wanted to say  _ this is garbage _ but was too nice to. (It’s not any kinder to say it through facial expression.) Whispers late at night in bed -  _ I can teach you so much  _ and  _ you’ve got so much potential  _ and  _ I can make you amazing. _

_ You’re good at that _ , Sazed would say, and Taako would work it into his routine. Or,  _ you’re bad at that _ , and Taako would burn with shame and never do it again. Or, worse,  _ you’ll get it someday _ , and Taako would try and try and try and it’d never turn to praise. His routine became more and more based on flashy magic, on what Sazed liked. (Not what Taako liked, never what Taako liked, because what Taako liked didn’t matter.)

“Taako,” Lup says again, taking both his hands now. “Darling, you’re fading again.”

“Yeah,” Taako agrees.

“Don’t do that,” Lup says, pulling him in for a hug. He snorts into her shirt, wrapping his arms around her, and if her shirt gets a little soggy, she doesn’t say anything.

  


She helps him make dinner - tonight’s another double date with Barry and Kravitz. Reapers may not  _ need _ to eat, but Kravitz has loved every meal Taako’s made. There’s something to be said about making food for someone that actually  _ appreciates  _ it, someone that’s already dead.

(It wasn’t his fault, but even if it was - these are people he can’t poison. He’ll take comfort wherever he can.)

He grates cheese and sautés onions and chops potatoes and falls into a familiar, wordless rhythm. Most twins have a secret language, and for him and Lup, it’s cooking. The angle they cut the vegetables, how they hold a knife, the way they measure all tell a story. Lup’s tense, her knife cuts delicate and precise, telling the story of a stressful day of reaping. Taako passes her the grater, and she takes it and passes him the knife. 

They pass an hour this way, silent besides the hum of the oven and whistle of the stove, and once the finished product is baking, Lup collapses onto the couch dramatically, holding up a hand to high five Taako - her way of saying “Good job.” He returns it, pushing her legs away so he can sit on the couch too, the heat of the oven and the smell of food and his sister’s feet on his lap lulling him into a sleepy sense of security.

He fades again.

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title from [Think Of You by MS MR](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg3zLUMccdg), chapter titles from [Boomerang by She Is We](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rhneWklUWI).
> 
> Art by the lovely Alfie, taakitoz on tumblr! If you'd like to reblog it's posted [here](https://taakitoz.tumblr.com/post/165029807096/for-the-talented-lakesandquarries-dont-repost-my). Also, my tumblr is located [http://lakesandquarries.tumblr.com/](url)!
> 
> There will be a second chapter, but it may take some time.
> 
> This is the hardest thing I've ever written, as someone who's been in two abusive relationships. If you find yourself thinking the way Taako does in the flashback, please know you deserve so much better.


End file.
